To write or not to write...

Maybe not so many of you know that I have this personal blog. My relationships with writing any kind of prose went a long way from crying and begging for mom's help with essay standing on my knees, to the only real way to express my thoughts, emotions, feelings. No, it doesn't make me a great writer now, but some people do think I'm not terrible at it. That's how this blog was started, first in Russian, and then maybe still not in a very perfect but English. And no I'm still not a famous blogger, but some people read what i write and writing makes me feel better, so win win situation.
A couple of months ago my husband told me that he read my blog and actually liked it, he thought i should keep writing. He said he could feel everything I was writing about. Isn't it what all the writers are trying to achieve? Make the reader feel. I smiled. It was never my goal, but it did make me warm inside. He asked why I didn't write anymore. My last big posts dates November 2017. Honestly I didn't have an answer at the time. Something about no-one reading it anyway, and something about smaller instagram posts was all I could come up with. "You should write for yourself, it makes you who you are, it makes you feel better! You should keep writing." - he said.
That conversation keeps replaying in my mind every time I have an urge to write. But then something stops me. I could not figure it out. Until now. I only write about stuff that emotionally affects me in a good or a bad way. It could be a beautiful park or unfair work situation, could be happy moments of my or someone else's life, could be war or broken relationship. Maybe part of the reason why my school life was a nightmare every time I had to write essay on a topic or why I could never be a good journalist. Can't write about stuff I could care less about.
To be honest, 2018 was kind of a blur:  complicated and painful first third of it, very interesting with self-discoveries second third of it, and 'omg' the end of it. Sometimes I had no time to think about everything that was going on, not talking about writing about it. But that would still not be a very true answer to the question why I stopped writing. The true and very honest answer would be fear. Yep, as simple as it is. I was afraid to jinx it, I was afraid that once I put it in writing it's all going to disappear. I guess, I've been hurt and betrayed to many times not to learn the lesson that the happiness prefers silence. Who can blame me? Is it too sad that as complicated as my life might have been for the past couple months I realize that I'm very happy and terrified that it's maybe too good to be true and someone can take it all away.
To write or not to write? That's still the question...

About positive thinking, what we eat, holiday atmosphere, ugly sweaters and what I learned from my childhood...

     To be fair when I thought to write this article I actually had a good idea about what to write, I was excited and could not wait to put my thoughts on the paper. Oh well, not on paper, more like on the screen... But life gets busy and now still wanting to write it, I can't remember those "genius" thoughts I had. But let me try :)
     You know a saying: "You are what you eat". I never actually took it literally. But recently I discovered that it is in fact very literally true. How we feel, what mood we are in, how much energy we have, our goals, etc. It all depends on what food we consume. There is no one particular diet that any person can follow and be healthy. Every person, every body is very very unique, and the food that is good for a particular body can be very bad for some other particular body. I've recently been a very sad (not to say depressed), not very initiative, lost, exhausted and in general more like a jello person. Nothing could make me happy, it seemed like there was no sense in life, and it felt like my life was a complete failure. Not feeling well didn't help a situation at all.
     Well now, around 2 months later I can happily say, I'm not that person anymore. No, my life didn't drastically change. But I can see the light at the end of the dark tunnel now :) What did change? What I eat. Surprisingly after removing a lot of food that I just loved, and honestly thought I couldn't leave without, I started to feel much better. I am not exhausted all the time and have much more energy. I have an idea of what to do next to change my life for the better. I didn't wait for the New Year to set up the resolution, I started the day the realization came to me. Started by canceling my expensive gym membership. Oh, wow! Right? But I simply felt why have it and not use it, or use it and it would not make me happy. Instead, I attend aerial classes, for now once a week. And it does make me happy. No commitment. I go because I want to. Early morning on Saturday. Yes, I wake up really early on Saturday so I can go to that class. And it makes me feel good about myself. There are of course more goals that I was able to set for myself, but for now, I'll leave them to myself. :)
     So the idea behind bad food and bad mood is if you eat the food that your body can't process, your body uses all the energy you have to process that food. And of course there is no energy left for any positive feelings or emotions, forget about goals altogether. Once there is no bad food that is sooooooo hard to process, you are automatically using your positive thinking. It's like the story with pink glasses but another way around. I had my black dark glasses on. And once I took them off, everything became so much better. Don't get me wrong, I still do get angry sometimes, and I still do have bad days sometimes, I still feel sleepy and tired sometimes. But it is sometimes versus constantly. It is "I can make my life even better" versus "My life sucks, total failure".
     Let's put positive thinking and feeling better "on hold", and revert my life a little back to childhood and youth years. When I was around 12 years old I went to the first Jewish camp. I wasn't a popular kid from the cool kids club, but I liked it, I learned a lot and I met a lot of good kids, whom I am still friends with now. There were many more camps after that one. I learned more and more every time. At some point, I started to work at those camps myself. And I can't help but realize that those camps were in a way a preparation for the scary adult life. Part of what I learned was creative thinking and how to make a whole big event out of nothing. Good old times. I haven't been able to use this skill that much ever since I moved to the United States. Didn't really feel like doing much at all recently.
     Now going back to positive thinking. I have to admit this year is the first year when I truly feel festive holiday atmosphere and I'm very excited about it. I know, it's very hard not to feel festive atmosphere when you live in New York, but you know... So that being said, with my positive thinking, feeling festive and excited, and event organization skills I decided to make a Holiday Ugly Sweater party at work. Yes, we had an annual holiday party. But I just felt like it wasn't special, wasn't festive enough. I would like to mention that the party was scheduled the day after release, which means I left the office around 10pm. Not a lot of time to prepare for the party, ha? But I was not about to give up. Holiday spirit kept me motivated.(side note: even though I got home around 11, I managed to color my hair into very holiday red color. Thank you so much to my loving boyfriend for cleaning me up afterwards. Thought it was important to mention. :) )
     The party did happen! (Obviously with the help of the coworkers) There was everything important for the successful party: decorations, donuts in the shapes of a gingerbread man, stars and Christmas tree, mulled wine and hot apple cider, star-shaped cookies, pies, other cookies, regular food, Christmas music, obviously ugly sweaters and a competition for the ugliest sweater, and most importantly people who shared laughter, happiness, and holiday spirit. I'm really happy everyone loved it and I was able to pull it off.
     How do I want to summarize this very rambling article? We are very truly what we eat and we make our life ourselves. There is no point to wait for the New Year to start with your resolution. How about start making yourself happier right here, right now? Step by step to the newer better life :)

      

International Day of the Girl

      Today is International Day of the Girl. And I have something to say about it.
      I will not fight my boyfriend to open the door myself (I actually love when he does it), I love when he gives me a hand to support me when I step off the bus, I don't get defensive when he pays in the restaurants when we go out, I realize that it is his way of showing he cares about me, I love the idea of being a little weaker when there is someone stronger near me. And yes, I can open the door myself, and I can pay my own bills, I can do everything myself, but I like the idea that I don't have to and once in a while I can let someone else help me or take care of me. It's actually kind of a game. But everything changes when we talk about career and work environment.
          I'd like to go back to 7 years ago when I first got to the United States and I got the first job in IT. Don't get me wrong I loved it, I had an amazing and supportive manager, who actually taught me a lot and I'm very grateful to him. He partially made me who I am today. But every single time I met a new person I had to prove that this 12 years old looking girl actually has a brain and knows what she is doing. Every client site had a person or actually the whole team who would look in a way: "Really? Her? No way!" It definitely felt weird, even offensive at times, and then I learned the cycle. They are suspicious and defensive, even aggressive at first. And then when I "magically" solved their problems, next thing I knew they would love me and would not want to let me go. I think it's called "earning a reputation". I mean, obviously, every person in the world have to prove they worth something before people around actually accept them, but it's much harder to do if you are a young looking female and, I dare to say, not ugly looking one. I went back to school and there, again and again, I had to prove the same. Next job. I thought: "Now I won't have to prove anything to anyone! I have experience now." WRONG!!! Every single day I have to prove that I know what I'm doing. I have coworkers who would rather ask another male coworker for help than ask me for advice. No, I'm not a bitch or a mean person, actually, my whole team knows that I always try to help and make everyone's life easier. In the beginning, I kept offering help. And then I realized it's not a problem with me. They have a real problem of being embarrassed to ask me for help like somehow it will make it beneath them. Well, what can I do in that case? I guess I already proved the point to them.
      It's very sad that in 21st century in the United States of America - greatest country in the world, when a lot of women became successful and proved that the world they worth it, there is still company where my friend complains to me every single day that her team lead is a real dick to her.  And guess what? No one can do anything about it. Human Resources? Oh please.
      I really hope it's not going to take another century for some people to realize that we don't have to have dicks to be smart and able to accomplish great things. It's not a competition!

Myth or reality?

       Today's article won't be like anything I posted before. It's not going to be about flying the plane or skydiving, or accomplishing something amazing, not going to be a travel journal either. I usually don't post this kind of very emotional stuff, it stays in my head or best case scenario in my drafts.

       While reading I would suggest listening to the following song:

       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1ed3bSjqSI

       Did you know that you can find the statistics online for everything, but not for the question: "How many hearts get broken per day?" The best answer I found was: "Yes It's True. Relationships start, they go through a magical phase, then they get finished (some last forever, lucky are those), People separate and hearts get broken. But after some time they get healed. It's a process." The list of related questions: 

- How do you stop loving a person who has hurt you and broken your heart so many times?

- Can a broken heart get back to heal again?

- Why does my heart hurt so bad when I get my heart broken?

- Does it normally take two years to get past a broken heart?

- What's it like to get your heart broken?

Etc.

 

       Funny thing, we think Google knows everything. But not when it gets to the heart-related stuff. No one knows the exact answer. It's a very personal topic and a very personal process for everyone. 

       

     

  I really want to answer to the person who is wondering "what's it like to get your heart broken?". "Dude, I wish you never have to figure that one out." A couple years ago dealing with my own broken heart I found the article about the research that doctors did on that topic. And a broken heart is not just a fancy phrase for acting like crazy, not being able to eat, crying all the time, stalking the person who did that to you, complaining to everyone about it, and wishing it would stop hurting already. And oh yes, it hurts like crazy. Physically. A lot. It's an actual syndrome. "People with broken heart syndrome may have sudden chest pain or think they're having a heart attack." says one of the articles online. Imagine having a non-stop having attack. Is it really something that you want to know what it is like?

       That's pretty much the only 100% exact answer to one of the question. The rest of the answers

get blurry. Let's go in the decreasing percentage order:

- Does it normally take two years to get past a broken heart?

Total BS. It takes as much as you need to heal. A couple years ago someone told me, that it takes

half of the amount that you were together. I naively was counting days and hours and minutes down

till that moment. No surprise that miracle didn't happen. Right? It can be 2 years, it can be 10 years.

You'll be 100% sure you are healed and happy, and then you ran into that person again. And your

"heart attack" feeling is back. I guess the truth is, you can get past it, but the small piece of your heart

is lost forever. Sometimes the piece is not that small either.

 

- Why does my heart hurt so bad when I get my heart broken?

Good question. I think the answer is because you are human, and humans have feelings and emotions. And I guess the part about the process is also true. First, it hurts really bad, then just bad, then maybe not so bad, and one day hopefully the pain goes away at least if nothing triggers it again. Also, everyone is different. Some people are less emotional, they get upset for a couple days, maybe have a couple drinks, maybe have sex with the stranger, and the next morning they are ready for a new adventure (relationship). Some are not that well skilled in this particular area. And they keep banging they are head against the wall in very bad attempt to let it go, but still holding on to what made them happy once. I'm personally, very unfortunately, one of those people too.  But now, having to go through that more than once, I know, that one day I'll wake up, knowing it's not so bad anymore, and I just have to be patient and wait for this moment to come. 

 

- Can a broken heart get back to heal again?

They say that time heals. The truth is it doesn't, but It does make it less painful. But that's enough to be able to become happy by finding the peace with yourself or maybe let someone else into your life. And possibly that someone will break your heart again. It's kind of a circle, I guess. Till someone magical appears and decides for both of you that he/she wants to spend the rest of your lives together, so no one else can hurt you anymore. But we are all adults and well aware even that can turn out bad eventually.

- How do you stop loving a person who has hurt you and broken your heart so many times?

No idea! I wish to know the answer to this question myself, so I don't end up scaring everyone around, by losing so much weight all over again. Joking...(or maybe not) It is so much easier if there is kind of recipe: 

- 1 glass of vodka (or 20, let's be honest, and yes glass, not a shot),

- 10 cigarets (or 10 packs of cigarets)

- 30 dates (or just unmeaningful hookups)

- unlimited shopping

or the healthier option:

- gym every day

- spend a lot of time with people you love and who love you back unconditionally

- find a new hobby

- still unlimited shopping

Actually, it all might work. With one condition. If you have enough power to tell that asshole to f..ck off and not regret it a minute later. But then you would still have to go through all the stages of healing from a broken heart. The right answer to that question would be: Remember to love yourself more than you do that jerk, whoever he is. You don't want to see people you love getting hurt, right? Why do you let to hurt yourself? How do you think it is for other people around you, like you mom, you sister/brother, your close friends, etc. to see how you let someone to hurt yourself over and over and over and over again? Are you a masochist? No? Then it is time to let it go...

Travel Journal - The End

    There won't be Day 9 or Day 10 post. I've been thinking what to write this one last post of my Travel Jornal about. I decided not get into details of another free tour thing, or about Irish pub experience, or about how our flight got detailed, and how eventually my umbrella stayed at Micheline star restaurant, how very colorful little houses in Dublin, and how there is a little bit of green everywhere and in/on everyone. Since this whole travel journal was about fighting my fear of traveling alone, you would probably expect me to say that in the last post I fought my fear and I now absolutely enjoy traveling alone. No, spoiler alert! I definitely won't be saying that.
    Traveling is very important part of our lives. This is a fact, and I will not argue about it. It is new experiences, it is resetting our heads from everyday routine, it is wanting to explore and learn more, it is something that is going to give you the inspiration to make a life change or try something new when you come back, it is wanting to come back home, it is missing the people that you left home and them missing you even more. Again I won't be saying that traveling alone is great because I also think that a very important part of the journey is sharing it with someone, and better if it's someone special, someone, who enjoys that journey with you or will be there for you if not everything goes as it's planned. I saw so many couples during this trip and them holding their hands or holding each other is also part of the whole experience.
   I'm very happy I had enough self-discipline to write this journal every single day no matter what. No matter what time of the night it was or how tired I was, no matter if it was a horrible day or maybe not very exciting day, no matter if there was a lot to write about or not very much at all, no matter if I was not in the mood or words didn't come to me that easily, I wrote EVERY SINGLE Day. I'm happy to know that someone was actually reading, and that kept me going too. This week, or more like 10 days, was discovery not just of 2 new countries, it was the discovery of myself in a sense and me as a writer as well. I learned that I can actually travel with a limited amount of clothes, I can travel without the internet or phone connection, I can not eat for more than 24 hours, I can go to the Broadway show not wearing a dress, I can talk to the people on the street, I can seem cool to people who meet me for the first time, I can be completely unlucky and can be very surprisingly lucky.
   Thank you to those people who have been reading every post and cheered me to write more, thank you for the support on my bad days and being happy for me on my good days. I will try to keep writing, not sure about what yet. But whether it's going to be my next trip or something else, you'll be the first to read it.
                                                                                                                                            Love you,
                                                                                                                                            Anya <3
   

Travel Journal - Day 8

   Day 8 and my journey is getting closer to the end. A few more days and we are coming back home. It would be a lie if I said that I didn't miss New York. I already did. People, who know me pretty well, know that I can't really leave New York for a long period of time. Around day 4-5 I start missing New York and people that I left there. But I have 2 more days in Dublin and I have to fill it up with activity.
   I had a few ideas where to go and what to visit on Day 8. Then my eye caught the email from Ryanair and notification that my complaining email to them about reimbursement was not delivered. I pressed life chat and decided to postpone my discoveries until I figure this situation out. Usually, life chats are very helpful and very nice, you get the information you need to proceed, or by the end of the chat everything is already cleared out and somehow you already got your money back. Usually, but not this one. I was very descriptive about the problem I had. After asking me for the flight number the person's next question was so what's the problem. Seriously??? I was getting angry but copied the part from the beginning and pasted again. Believe me, it wasn't a language barrier. At least not on my end. He finally sent me the link to the application that I needed to fill out and mentioned that he can't 100% guarantee a refund. Ugh. You know the surveys they ask you to fill out after the end of the chat. He was so horrible, I didn't bother wasting my time on it. Anyway, after everything was filled out I left to explore Dublin.
    Before my trip to Dublin, I heard a popular belief that Dublin is one of the IT Capitals in the world. So my plan for today included visiting Google and Facebook, and the rest I would decide after. Apparently, Google building is considered the tallest building in Dublin. Well, you know how in NYC you can clearly see that it's Google building. The huge sign in the front won't let you miss it. You won't see anything like that here in Dublin. Very small, slightly visible sign says "Google docks". And that's it. The building is not very tall either, not the tallest in the way we New Yorkers understand it. Looks like Google here is very modest. Unfortunately, I was not able to get inside. Before going there I made a research online. Unless you have a business reason or a friend working there, you are not welcome. Spending a few more minutes there, staring at employees walking in and out of the building,  I decided to move on to my next destination. On my way, I kept meeting different Google employees. Do you know how I knew they were Google employees? They were all wearing colorful t-shirts that said "Google" on it. They wore it on top of their regular clothes, or some people carried their t-shirts in their hands. Exactly, for this reason, I now have unconfirmed t-shirt theory. I think, depending on what team you work for you get their color of the shirt. And you also obligated to wear it to work every day at the office. Again my google search of that theory didn't get any results. But I'm practically 99% sure it is true, at least here in Dublin. I kept walking and kept meeting more of Google employees on my way. Again people, who know me well, can say that I'm more anti-social rather than social. I'm not the one who would stop a person on the street and start talking to them. But it's Google and I decided to give it a try. I stopped a group of women in red t-shirts. I asked them if it was possible to receive the tour in Google. They seem a little annoyed but they said: "Sure!" I had a moment of hope. They continued: "If you have a business reason or you have a friend there, then you need to email your friend. We will invite you and give a presentation." It was clear they didn't plan on becoming my friends. It was a little upsetting that miracle didn't happen, and I a little overestimated how nice people can be. I kept walking towards Facebook, it was my next stop. When my google map showed me that I'm right there I got confused and made a circle looking for any sign or any kind of confirmation that it is Facebook. Except for the little "thumb up" sign in the window somewhere around 5th floor, there was nothing else. Facebook turned up to be even more modest than Google. I have another theory. It could be that the reason, they don't really show their buildings off, is that they don't want curious tourists like myself crowding around the building. Whoever needs to know where to go, they already do, others better don't.
    What I really like about Dublin is that there is water everywhere around the city and lots and lots of bridges. You can always stop and relax looking at the water and the view. And that's what I did to rest a little from all the walking. I had a few choices for my next destination. I could have gone to Museum or College or Library. But I chose Dublin Castle. It wasn't that far away and I've never been to the real Castle. And this one is still used for the official visits. I took the self-guided tour (student id saved me 1 euro again). It was very beautiful inside. Interesting and kind of disgusting fact I learned: In old times hygiene was not the thing. The showered like once a month and used rose water to hide the bad smell. Wigs and laces in them were not for beauty, they were mostly for the reason of lice and hiding lice bites. Most of the time when I was reading about it I was thinking that's not how imagined those beautiful times at all, and it all was kind of disgusting at the end. Most of the people died exactly from anti-hygiene and things they used for makeup and to cover smells and bites.
   That was the program for the Day 8. One more day closer to going home. New York, I miss you, darling. Can't wait to see you soon. :*
   

Travel Journal - Day 7

    On my first day in Dublin Bogdan told me that there are 12 Michelin Star restaurants in the city. For those, who is maybe not aware what Michelin Star is: "It is a mark of distinction awarded by the Michelin travel guides to a restaurant in recognition of the high quality of its cooking. A restaurant may receive one, two, or three stars, representing very good, exceptional, or exquisite cuisine, respectively." It would be very foolish to miss such a good opportunity and not to try one of those. The same day I made a reservation for a dinner in one out of those 12. The name of it is l'Ecrivain. It has one Michelin star. The dinner was scheduled for Day 7 of my trip, Thursday. Suddenly I realized that when I was packing my suitcase, I didn't think I would go to any fancy restaurant or a Broadway Show. (Actually London Broadway show might have been the only one I didn't wear a dress to. No, don't get me wrong, I didn't wear jeans either. But still.) I didn’t have anything in my suitcase for the occasion of going to Michelin star restaurant. For a girl who grew up in the family where was never enough money sometimes for toys, sometimes for clothes, sometimes even for food, Michelin star restaurant is maybe a life time experience. I could not afford not to look my best for the occasion. I needed a dress!

     Remember on the first day of my journey I promised that I would not spend any day just watching TV in my room, that I will keep discovering new things about new cities, shopping would count too? So first part of the Day 7 was decided to spend shopping for the perfect dress. Remember also in the beginning I mentioned that U 2 is like a national treasure for the Ireland. So this weekend is their concert and all rooms in the hotel we were staying at were booked for the weekend. We needed to check out from there and move to the different one. So my morning started from finishing packing and dragging the suitcase downstairs. Btw check out from the "old" one was at 12, and check in at the "new" one was no until 3 pm. So I left my suitcase at the "old" hotel, I would need to come back for it in 3 hours, which means I had 3 hours to find a perfect dress. I headed towards the center where all the stores are. 

     Every girl can agree with me that shopping can be very long and very stressful and with no results at the end. So I needed energy. I stopped by at the coffee shop "The Art of Coffee" that we were bypassing the other day. It looked very cozy and had a great view on the water dock. I got myself cappuccino and a croissant, and took a place right by the window on the very comfy couch with a lot of colorful pillows. They serve croissant here with additional butter and very-very tasty jam. My brunch became a ritual of enjoying both the view and croissant with cappuccino. I think the cafe took the second place at the World Latte Art Championship. After I finished my ritual I was ready for shopping. 

     Basically the first store I saw was Mango and I knew it was the right choice. When the amount of hangers in my hand became more than I could possibly carry I went to try the dresses on. All of them were too big on me, even though they all were XS. Apparently European XS is ours (I mean US one) 2. And when I already started to think that the hope was lost, I noticed a little black dress. Yep, always the right choice. It looked perfectly. And now I only needed a purse to go with it. Yes, I brought the purse with me, I'm a girl, I don't go anywhere without the purse, even if I already have a backpack. But the purse couldn't handle the amount of pressure of this trip and broke on my second day in Dublin. If not a Michelin restaurant I probably would keep struggling by carrying backpack around till coming back home. But I simply could not take backpack to Michelin restaurant. So I looked for the purse. I looked for something to go with my beautiful fucsia color flats. But the closest color they had was red. And I was not in the red mood. Yes I could have bought a simply black clutch. But that would be too boring. "I'm in Ireland" I thought. Guess what color of purse I bought. Emerald one. It was simply and very stylish in the same time. 

     Now it was time to collect both my and Bogdan's bag from the "old" hotel and move to the "new" one. And it started raining. In Ireland the weather is very unpredictable: it can be sunny and raining at the same time. It was not easy, but I moved all our stuff and checked us in without even his ID, which, I personally think, is weird, but I don't complain. 

     It was time to get ready. I'll skip all the details. Around 2 hours later I was ready.

     We met at the restaurant. I have to mention, I was 2 minutes away from the restaurant, when it started raining again. I don't complain. I actually prefer that to humid and hot disaster that is in NYC right now. Everything was very fancy about that restaurant. My umbrella was taken from me.( I actually forgot it there too) While I was waiting I was offered peanuts and olives. Waiters spoke very quietly. We were seated right away. The menu had 2 options: tasting and 3 course ones. The difference was obviously the price. But not a big difference. 15 Euro. Also the menu had a note to limit the amount of the phone usage. After a quick look at Tasting menu I decided that it didn't look good enough for me so we went with the 3 course meal. Under each meal in the menu there was a suggestion of the vine that should go well with that meal. We ordered and the food started to come. And very soon it became clear to me why the price was what it was. In addition to the food that you actually ordered you get different extras with each out of 3 courses. It was a real one time experience. And definitely we enjoyed the food. It worth every euro we spent on it.

    One more great new experience I can add to my thrift-box of amazing experiences in my life...